I'm Fine
by wonderwall
Summary: Sometimes even work at the CSI isnt enough to hide whats troubling you, Sara is going through a tough time but is she going to take the hand which could be her salvation?
1. Not that you need it

Sara looked over at her alarm clock, time to go to work she thought as she got out of bed. Walking past the fridge she realised that she would have no time for breakfast, "not that you need it "she thought looking at herself in the mirror before closing the door behind her. She hadn't had three full meals a day for the lat month, one or none is enough for me she thought.  
  
"Sara" Catherine called almost just as Sara had walked through the door.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Grissom wants us down at this address in five minutes" Catherine said pointing at a piece of paper and wiping her hair out of her face. Sara had already started to walk out the door and Catherine couldn't help but notice she didn't have her usual spring but soon wiped away the though suspecting it was just because Sara didn't have any time for any coffee,  
  
"Yes that's what it is" Catherine thought as she followed Sara out the door.  
  
Catherine and Sara approached the Sea Blue house and got out of the car, Grissom was waiting outside leaning on the fence with a somewhat concerned look on his face. Sara got out of the car and cursed herself for forgetting her coat.  
  
Sara, Grissom and Catherine walked up the front steps of the house and through the front door. Sitting at the kitchen table was a distraught looking woman.  
  
"Ms Heartly?" say asked  
  
"Yes" Ms Heartly said, lifting her head off the table to look at the pale looking CSI agent talk.  
  
"Can you tell us what happened here?"  
  
"Well I came home from a night shift and I found my backdoor open and I asked my teenage daughter about it and she said she locked it before she went to bed. I thought nothing of it until I went outside to find" Ms Heartly stopped and broke down into tears, after a short while she stopped and looked mournfully outside to wear some other officers were located. Grissom went outside and shortly after Sara got up, her head begun to spin and she stabled herself on the table, Catherine looked at her worryingly.  
  
"Sara, are you ok?"  
  
"I'm fine " Sara replied.  
  
Back at the CSI building  
  
Warrick is in the kitchen making some coffee to go with his lunch, as he sat down Catherine walked in and poured herself some of the coffee and sat opposite him. They talked about the Heartly case for a bit and then Catherine had to leave to help Grissom with something. Warrick used the last of the bread and made himself another sandwich smiling to himself and happy that the other CSI's weren't around to complain about him eating all the bread. Warricks pager went off and he went to meet Catherine and Grissom in the lab.  
  
Sara poured herself some coffee and sat down, being in control was great but you had to work on it, she felt rather dizzy so this rest was good. Warrick and Catherine came in.  
  
"Sara did you get our page?" Catherine questioned  
  
"Sorry I mustn't have felt it"  
  
"Had some lunch Sara?" said Warrick  
  
"Yeah I had a sandwich" Sara replied quickly making something up  
  
"Hm...filling? Cause me and Catherine are going to go down and get something in the café around the corner" Warrick asked politely  
  
"Yeah I'm a bit full" Sara said draining the last bit of coffee from her cup , standing up her head begun to spin again, the room lurched sideways and Warrick caught her as she fell.  
  
"WoH Sara are you ok?" Catherine asked concerned  
  
"Yeah just got up too fast," Sara said slightly angry at herself  
  
"Do you want me to get Grissom or something" Catherine asked Warrick  
  
"Um...Sara do you want me to get someone" Warrick asked addressing Sara  
  
"No it's ok I'm fine" Sara walked off and Warrick went to find Greg aobut some DNA on the Heartly case which left Catherine standing in the kitchen,  
  
'Something's up with Sara' she thought. Catherine went to meet Warrick in DNA hoping that Sara was feeling better she knew that a bad bug was going around the office hopefully Sara hadn't caught it.  
  
"Come in" Grissom said talking off his glasses to see Sara Sidle walking into his office  
  
"Catherine said you wanted to see me"  
  
"Yeah she said you were a bit off colour today, do you want the afternoon off to go to the doctor?"  
  
"Nah I'm fine"  
  
"you sure, you don't wanna have caught the bug Brass has, I called him last night he says he wont be back for at leats another week"  
  
"yeah I'm sure"  
  
"well ok then, can you tell Warrick and Catherine to meet us at the Heartly residence in 10 minutes, we need to have a talk to her"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well that body we found in her yard was her boyfriends trouble is its not his hand prints on the handle of the backdoor its hers and Greg recovered no prints off the gun we found"  
  
"Has it been traced?"  
  
"Yeah and it came back with Tod Heartly"  
  
"Husband?"  
  
"Ex"  
  
"Oh my gosh, well I'll go get Catherine and Warrick"  
  
"See you at my car in five minutes" 


	2. Arrival

Sara took off her coat and sat on the couch, switching on the TV she was relieved to be home. At least here she could rest in peace without Grissom or Warrick and even Catherine interfering. Even though she had been close to collapse all day she found it really hard to sleep, her mind seemed to be a labyrinth of thoughts and she thought that she'd never get to sleep.  
  
"Sara you're not meant to start for another hour" Grissom said checking his watch which flashed 7:00.  
  
"Yeah, thought I'd get an early start on some evidence from the Heartly case.  
  
"Are you feeling better today?" Grissom asked  
  
"Yes I am, I think I was just having an off day" Sara walked off just as she said this so Grissom had no time to rebut, in fact he knew she wasn't ok and hopefully she sorted out whatever was going on in her life because he didn't want it to cause any disruption further down the line, the CSI couldn't handle any more halts in their investigations.  
  
"Hey Sara" Catherine Willows said as she came into the CSI kitchen to find Sara at the table going over some papers  
  
"What are you up to?"  
  
"Just reading some things from the Heartly case, seems to me as tough Ms Heartly hasn't been honest with us"  
  
"How so" Catherine asked rather curious as to Sara statement  
  
"Well I don't think that her ex husband is the one who's trying to abuse his daughter"  
  
"So you think it's her ex trying to save his daughter"  
  
"Yeah, well according to this it's Ms Heartly with a history of disturbance calls made by neighbours about hearing yelling not the other way around"  
  
"Have you told Grissom?"  
  
"Yeah he just went over there with some officers to make an arrest"  
  
"On another topic Sara..." Catherine said sitting down and sensing that a deep and meaningful conversation was wanted by Catherine Sara stood up and muttered something about needing to see Greg.  
  
The next day at CSI Sara, Catherine, Nick and Warrick had just been paged to meet Grissom.  
  
"What's up" Nick says half excited half asleep clutching a coffee cup in his hands  
  
"Well thanks to Sara we've cracked the Heartly case and now we've got a few other ones to focus on" Grissom places a few folders on the table and picks out one.  
  
"First I want all of you on this one, something about a hit and run but we can't find the car or the body"  
  
"So what part of it tells us that the hit and run even happened" Catherine enquires  
  
"The blood on the road and the skid marks  
  
"So you think it's a hit and run turned murder?"  
  
"Exactly, now let's go"  
  
"How can Grissom find so much excitement in this?" Sara asks  
  
"Come on Sara buck up" Grissom doubles back to say "Lets go we got to collect some blood evidence and get some photos cause it looks likes its gonna rain".  
  
Sara got up and started to follow the others her head was spinning but she kept on walking. 'Show no sign of weakness' she thought.  
  
"Hey Catherine can we have more evidence bags over here?"  
  
"Sure Warrick" said Catherine walking over to where Warrick was crouched over a large patch of blood.  
  
"Hey Warrick?" Catherine asked in a rather concerned tone  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Where's Sara?"  
  
"I thought she was with you, HEY GRISSOM WHERE'S SARA?" Warrick yelled over to where Grissom was  
  
"I don't know" Grissom relied as he came over, Catherine can you go find her  
  
"Sure"  
  
Catherine walked to the side of the road and down to where the CSI car was parked and had a look around for Sara. Getting to a high point of concern Catherine walked over to the toilet block a short walk away form the road. Lying against the wall was Sara, she didn't look her strong self rather she looked sick  
  
"Sara what's wrong?"  
  
"I'm fine I just got a bit...aaa.......bit dizzy" Sara couldn't get the words properly out her head was spinning and she gripped it with her hands in an attempt to stop it.  
  
"Here" Catherine said getting a chocolate out of her pocket  
  
"I forgot to give it to my kiddo this morning"  
  
"Does Grissom need us?" Sara said pretending she didn't hear Catherine's offering, getting up she walked as quickly past Catherine without collapsing as she could. Catherine just stop there wondering what in the world was going on but thought better than to pry to much. 


	3. It won't go away

(Song lyrics used in this chapter are the property of EVANESCENCE I take no credit for them whatsoever)  
  
Back at the CSI building Sara checked the clock on the wall, grabbed her bag and left. Back at her house she got onto her couch, pulled out her diary and begun to write:  
  
It seems almost too easy so when the thought first struck me I almost didn't follow it. It kept on coming again and again and again. You eat food you gain weight therefore you eat less food you lose weight. Simple yet effective. I am not going to swallow bite chew or even think about food without punishing myself for it. Food is an enemy and its duty is to work on me and make me fat. I no longer lie in bed and count sheep rather I count calories and amounts and plan and plan and plan until my mind is nothing but a field of numbers and lies and even though it may sound confusing this is my life. I choose this life and I choose to take it down this path. It's not bad for me its liberating me.  
  
Closing her diary Sara placed it on her coffee table before curling up on the couch and falling asleep  
  
The next day, in the corridor of the CSI building  
  
"Hey Warrick"  
  
"Hey Catherine, what's up?"  
  
"Nothing much" Catherine replied and spotting Nick down the corridor yelled hello to him. Her morning had started off pretty well, she was going to go and find Sara but Greg called her into the lab 'I'll find her later' Catherine thought.  
  
Later that morning in Grissoms office  
  
"Ok everyone" Grissom says looking around  
  
"Well almost everyone, Nick where's Sara?"  
  
"Beats me, Catherine?"  
  
"No idea"  
  
Just as Catherine spoke Sara walked into Grissoms office, Catherine gave her a worried look then turned back to Grissom who tells everyone, but Sara, to leave.  
  
"Nice of you to join us, I don't know if you realise this Sara but we all work here, we all are expected to put in 100% and unfortunately you can't just show up......." He looks up at the clock "45 minutes late"  
  
"I slept in ok!" Sara stormed out and Grissom followed her into the corridor  
  
"Sara come back in here"  
  
"Just because you're in charge it doesn't mean you own me!"  
  
"I don't think I own you but you work here ok and I don't want Warrick or Nick or Catherine to have to pick up your slack ok, if you're meant to be here at a certain time be here then ok"  
  
"Ok whatever"  
  
"No not whatever Sara we all have to work here and we don't deserve your attitude" before Grissom had time to walk off Sara was already halfway down the corridor. Catherine approached Grissom  
  
"Don't you think you were a bit hard on her obviously she's going through a hard time"  
  
"Catherine if Sara's going through a hard time and won't tell me about it I will give her the same treatment I would to anyone ok but it's her decision not to talk"  
  
"Ok then, it just frustrates me"  
  
"Catherine it's probably nothing ok, if it were serious she would talk to you I mean you guys have gotten so much closer since she got here"  
  
"Yeah I guess so" but Catherine wasn't so sure maybe Sara was so deep down that she couldn't get out or ever call for help, 'Who can save her' Catherine thought 'if anyone'.  
  
Catherine walked back into her office and turned on the radio  
  
You're too important for anyone  
  
You play the role of all you long to be  
  
But I, I know who you really are  
  
You're the one who cries when you're alone  
  
But where will you go  
  
With no one left to save you from yourself  
  
You can't escape  
  
You can't escape  
  
You think that I can't see right through your eyes  
  
Scared to death to face reality  
  
No one seems to hear your hidden cries  
  
You're left to face yourself alone  
  
But where will you go  
  
With no one left to save you from yourself  
  
You can't escape  
  
You can't escape  
  
I realize you're afraid  
  
But you can't abandon everyone  
  
You can't escape  
  
You don't want to escape  
  
I'm so sick of speaking words that no one understands  
  
Is it clear enough that you can't live your whole life all alone  
  
I can hear you in a whisper  
  
But you can't even hear me screaming  
  
But where will you go  
  
With no one left to save you from yourself  
  
You can't escape  
  
You can't escape  
  
I realize you're afraid  
  
But you can't reject the whole world  
  
You can't escape  
  
You won't escape  
  
You can't escape  
  
You don't want to escape 


	4. A time for everything

Lunchtime at the CSI building As Sara walked into the kitchen she cringed when she saw basically the whole team there. Nick, Grissom, Greg, Warrick and Catherine. Reaching over to the middle of the table Grissom grabbed the last cream bun and handing it to Sara said "Hey Sara sorry I cracked it" then shortly after added "Just don't be late again. Declining Grissoms offering but not his apology Sara went over to the coffee pot to find it empty. As Sara turned to go Catherine caught her by the shoulder "Do you wanna talk?" Catherine whispered  
  
"I'm fine, really I am" Sara said but she knew she wasn't fooling anyone; she rushed out before Catherine could take the conversation any further.  
  
Locking the door of the testing room Sara jumped on the scales and her heart soured, the trials and tribulations of the past months seemed to wash form her mind as the number was lower than last time, much lower. Luckily it was quite cold so everyone in the unit was rugged up. Sara unlocked the door and went back into the kitchen as tough she hadn't just run out in a close-to-tears state  
  
"Hey Catherine" Sara said happily  
  
"Hey you" Catherine replied feeling Sara's forehead for her change in mood was a big surprise.  
  
"Who are you and what have you done with Sara?" Catherine joked  
  
"What? Just because I'm happy"  
  
"Well if I'm not mistaken a minute ago you rushed out of here because hm....... If I recall there was no coffee, now either you got some coffee or something else happened to perk up your mood, do you care to elaborate?"  
  
"Not really" Sara replied and Catherine reached behind her to open the cupboard  
  
"Cool score" Catherine said pulling out a container of doughnuts and passing one to Sara  
  
"Here Sara" Catherine offered  
  
"Nah not for me"  
  
"You on a diet?" Catherine asked, her face now covered with a mixed look of curiosity and concern  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"What, Sara are you crazy? You're so tiny. What exactly have you been doing to yourself?"  
  
"Nothing nothing, just getting in shape, watching what I eat you know a nice healthy diet nothing too drastic" Sara said trying to convince Catherine, she almost laughed at her statement of watching what she eats 'more like watching what I don't eat'.  
  
"Ok" Catherine smiled, took a bite out of the doughnut and her face turned very pale. Grissom walked in  
  
"Catherine you found my doughnuts, you didn't eat them did you?"  
  
"Er yeah she took a bite why?" Sara enquired and Grissom smiled  
  
"They have been there for a bit to long, I was doing an experiment, um Catherine maybe you should go to the doctor" Grissom and Sara laughed as Catherine walked out of the room in a zombie-like state.  
  
"So Sara fancy a doughnut" Grissom joked and taking his experiment left the kitchen.  
  
It was the end of the day and Sara didn't really feel like going home straight away, instead she went for a walk around her neighborhood block. Never would she have thought on her first day working with Grissom that in time she would be in the position she is now. She reminisced about her first investigation into Warrick, a man who was now a close friend and how bad Warrick had felt about being one of the factors that caused Holly Gribb's death. She knew he wasn't to blame for what happened but he still blamed himself, she wondered how this could parallel with her own life. Could she be to blame for everything in her life, she knew it was her fault that she hated herself, she perpetuated this body of hers and she was determined to follow through until it looked the way she wanted it to. She began to run around the block. Faster and faster until she fell over, almost passed out, out the front of her house. Sara ran up her stairs to her room reminding herself that this was exercise not torture. She didn't even have time to get changed because by the time she reached her bed she had collapsed without even getting under the sheets.  
  
Later that night she awoke from her state of collapse and could hardly remember how she got there. Getting redressed she took her car and went to the CSI building. Sara knew she didn't start for another five hours but she went in and sat at the kitchen bench, her head in her hands, and she fell asleep.  
  
"Sara, Sara" someone said shaking Sara Sidles shoulders  
  
"Yeah" Sara said in a sleep like state  
  
"What time did you get here?" Warrick enquired  
  
"I'm not sure, around 3ish"  
  
"Gosh Sara you're crazy" Warrick laughed and walked off without anymore to say  
  
Sara got up, poured herself some coffee and went to her desk. She grabbed an old shoebox and put all her favourite desk things in there, she then walked up to Catherine's desk.  
  
"Hey Catherine you want these things?"  
  
"Um why? You love those things"  
  
"Too much clutter for me but you can have them"  
  
"I'll put them aside until you come to your senses ok"  
  
"Ok whatever but I don't want them" Sara said and walked off. Catherine was curious as to why she didn't want these things anymore but didn't think that Sara was in a state to be asked.  
  
A few minutes later in the testing room  
  
The knife felt cool in Sara's hand, she ran the blade along a piece a paper and watched it slit a perfect line. 'It's sharp' she thought 'Just sharp enough' She brought the blade to her wrist and there was a knock at the door 


	5. Almost

Sara's heart skipped a beat; the knife, which she held so tight in her hand, was pressing down on her wrist, hard, but not hard enough.

The knock came again.

Sara didn't know what to do. The door was locked she never forgot to lock doors.

The door handle turn and Sara cursed to herself to try and be better at remembering things. She threw the knife down, put on a smile and as Catherine opened the door she walked right past her.

"Sara" Catherine called after her

Sara didn't reply. She could hear Catherine's footsteps after her and her pace fastened but Catherine reached her.

"Listen Sara what was that about"

"What?" Sara replied half annoyed

"Listen Sara its so obvious something is wrong, why wont you talk to me?"

"Catherine I know we work together and I'm so glad that we are friends but seriously there is nothing wr…." Sara couldn't get the last word our for suddenly she lost her balance and fell to the ground.

"SARA!!!!!!!" Catherine screamed

"Catherine are you ok" Warrick called down the hall and as he approached he saw Sara

"Shit Catherine you killed her"

"don't joke Warrick she just fell down"

"Want me to get Grissom"

"I don't know if that will help, lets just get her up"

half an hour later in the CSI kitchen. Sara sits at a table sipping a glass of water. Catherine and Warrick Sit there also.

"Listen Sara we cant just stand by and watch you like this" Catherine says with a slight pleading tone

"Like what?" Sara replied half annoyed

"Like a totally different person, your not the Sara we know its almost like you've been taken over by someone else" Catherine replied

"And Warrick do you think this too" Sara said shooting an icy glare at him

"Yea Sara actually I do, but.." Warrick stated and looked at Catherine "If you say nothing is wrong we will leave you alone but if you ever want to talk…"

"I wont ok, thanks for CARING" Sara scream the last word and walked out, luckily she had got some energy back so she actually could walk.

"Warrick you know perfectly well that Sara is not well"

"I know I know but obviously we are not making it ant better by bugging her aobut it"

"Maybe its just man problems"

"You think" Warrick answered

"I hope so"

They both left the kitchen Warrick went off to follow up some evidence and Catherine went to the testing room, curious as to what Sara was doing in there. She opened the door, everything looked in place, just as it had previously in the morning way before Sara had been in there. What had Sara done in there? Catherine thought. Just as She was about to leave she spotted the knife on the floor, her heart skipped a beat. No Sara she thought don't do this too me.

Next morning in Grissoms office

"Catherine, Warrick, Nick I've…" he looks around then continues "Where's Sar…"

the phone rings

"Oh hi Sara" "yeah" "oh ok" "how long?" "You sure?" "Ok then bye"

"I guess that was Sara?" Catherine asks

"Yeah" Grissoms relies "She taking her leave three month early

"Why?" Nick Warrick and Catherine say in unison

"She didn't say" Grissom replied and after seeing his colleagues faces continued "Why what's wrong?"

"Nothing" they say and start to walk out, all but Catherine who stops for a moment

"Catherine are you ok?" Grissom asks

"Yeah yeah fine just worried aobut Sara"

"Why?"

"Nah its ok I'm sure its nothing"

Catherine walked out and left Grissom in his office.

Outside Sara residence Catherine stands wondering whether she should enter or not, she decides against it.

This continues for the next two months. Catherine never goes in and Sara never answers her calls.

One month later in the CSI building, a women walks towards the main desk that is unattended. She's wearing a baseball cap and large black sunglasses that make her look slightly like Audrey Hepburn except this ladies face is far gaunter.

Seeing this lady waiting unattended Catherine approaches her

"Hi I'm Catherine how can I help you"

"I know your name it hasn't been that long" the lady replies half annoyed

"I'm sorry " Catherine says wondering who this lady is.

The lady takes off her glasses and Catherine is wuite taken back for the lady before her eyes is no stranger but her very own fellow CSI Sara.

"Jus Sara what have you done to yourself"

"What do you mean?"

"Come with me we need to have a serious talk"

"Nice to see you too Catherine" Sara replied sarcastically

CSI KITCHEN: nick Warrick and Grissom sit as the table as Catherine and Sara enter (Sara now has her glassed back on)

"Catherine visitors aren't allowed in here without a pass, sorry miss but you'll haveta go to main desk and fill out a fo…" Catherine cuts him off

"Grissom its Sara"

"SARA" the three men say in unison

"You look errr different" Warrick says

"Yeah it's the new me " Sara says, smiles and goes to her desk knowing that its going to be harder to hide her "new self"

For the past three months Sara had lived off Diet Soda and raw vegies, as well as running around her block for hours after eating the smallest bite. It was a surprise that she could even stand.

Later that night as Sara writes in her diary:

If you talk about your problem you get a hug and its all meant to be fine, you walk off and your helper feels fulfilled but really you're not helped at all, you just spoke the most amazing amount of bullshit but it made them feel better, didn't it. Or else you could just not let them know how u feel in the first place, you know smile ands say "I'm fine" and slowly week by week day by day minute by minute you get shook up like a champagne bottle until eventually you pop and all hell breaks lose. Your lies become undone. One lie becomes ten lies, which becomes your life. U lie to live but it's what you're used to.

_That's why I choose to stay silent, the happiest of happiest to everyone but me. But I won't have to deal with lying anymore by tomorrow afternoon I wont exist anymore I wont have to look at THIS in mirror anymore._

_NEXT MORNING CSI building_

_Sara walks in as though the previous day in the office didn't happen. Past Catherine, Warrick, Nick and Grissoms she smiles and goes to her desk where she places her bag._

_She then walks off to the testing room to search for a sharp knife. She finds one it looks sharps she know this will do._


End file.
